Romans 7 15In fact, I don't understand why I act the way I do. I don't do what I
know is right. I do the things I hate. 18I know that my selfish desires won't
let me do anything that is good. Even when I want to do right, I cannot
It is not that I have been doing anything horrible, I just wish I treated people better. It is so hard though when there are so many mixed signals everyone sends. I just wish that everyone wore a sign that said what they thought of you so you could just get it out of the way. That way if someone wore a sign that said, yes, I know I might seem that I am in to you, but I am not, I could be happy and content. Then, if there was a sign that said that they were, I could still run away as I always do. So, now I choose to just stay clear of any misconstrued vibes at all times. Meaning – if I have so much as a hint from someone that they are talking to me more than a friendship or someone mentions that there seems to be something going on, I like to get out of that area. So far, it has been good. I have run from all the right people. I can honestly say that I haven’t met a guy that I thought was pie in the sky in love with Jesus the way I want him to be since college. And then, they were all just my great friends. They protected and watched out for me. I want brothers around like that again. Where can I find them? I am still looking. There is one potential brother and it is funny that he made the same comment the same night as I ran into one of my college brothers and he said it too.
Back to what I don’t want to do – I don’t’ want to run from people when there isn’t anything to run from. I want to protect myself but I know that I am not being vulnerable enough in some areas. How do I balance that?
I am worried that if I can’t do this now that I am never going to find someone who is willing to burst through my walls and get to know me and become my life partner. I was really hoping that by age 27 I would be well on my way to being married and living in another country as a missionary. I still have the desire to sell all my things and relocate to another country and just live there with no thought of returning.
It is odd that in devoting myself to missionary service I don’t think I would come back to the US since I am so close to my mom but at the moment, I don’t have the desire to build things that will only last here on the earth. I want to build eternal kingdoms with people that want to know about God.
I have found myself praying that God would put me in hard places. Isn’t that weird? I guess it makes sense when we get so close to Jesus and the Holy Spirit starts giving us words. I have prayed that I would have the heart for certain “hard” people and God has been gracious in giving me love for those people. I had an experience the other day where I was going to work closely with someone and I was praying it would be the one I am least vulnerable with and now I am. I was praying that I would get to know this girl that I had never seen a smile from at work and now I feel like we are almost communicating. The barriers that God breaks are incredible. I love His Holy Spirit. It is amazing what God can overcome for us.
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